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{I wish I could say this is deeply spiritual, with strong nods to God and his Plan, instead it's just me somewhat unchecked, rightly or wrongly. I do know God has a perspective that I am waiting to more fully discover that won't hopefully be convoluted with my own. But this is me.}

I'm not entirely sure what to say. Hopefully I will have a better post later but I would be amiss if i didn't try right now I supppose.

The text I sent to a few close friends - of whom I had been gushing too a few hours earlier - read something like:

"She doesn't want to talk to me anymore. There are 3 billion women on this earth why do I fall for the ones that don't like me?"

Their reactions were a lot like mine. Whaaat? Why?

I couldn't really answer.

Sure I heard the words that said I'm just not wanting a relationship right now. But of course what I heard was I don't want a relationship with you right now. I heard that my efforts were accepted but there was fear they weren't real - that no one can really be that nice. I was just doing what every other boy did. Ouch.

I was confused by the words that said I should allow myself mistakes with this; not be perfect, but saw her shut down when I, under stress, spoke with a passive aggressive edge the night before.  I heard her tell me that I should be vunerable to other people but that she had to deal with things on her own.

I was confused by the fact that she wanted to see my faults but was certain I wouldn't accept her for hers.

I wish that my mouth could translate from my heart better. When I feel deep regret, care or sadness it often comes out sounding scripted and trite. That hurts so badly like not being able to breathe.

A painful side to this is that I wasn't a part of a dialogue. There was a decision made and by the time I was brought on board it was too late. My feelings, my opinions didn't really matter.

I think I've definitely rambled on the side of "my" views here. The other side being God and the spirit. But maybe even when we're trusting God to be in control it's ok to still have real, human emotions about things. I do for sure. Spiritually, I know God is in control but my person can't help but feel the sting of confusion and loss. Again. Again. Again.

There were no perfect words in those moments sitting there in the parking lot. My hands were tied. A million things come to mind to have said or did. If only's. The biggest one for me maybe being the regret that she didn't hear me weeks ago when I said I'm slow to get to know. Sure I can be open with a lot of my thoughts and emotions early on but the nitty gritty only comes when its very safe. The Real Clay that is so brash and often selfish among a gambit of other detriments. Until then you have to patiently teach and put up with Perfect Clay who has seen so much turmoil he wants to control situations to avoid conflict at all costs. I promise you it's worth it - even though and especially since it's messy. But it is still honest and it is wholehearted and passionate. It's determined and loyal. It's even still thoughtful and nice. But you can't get there in a month and a half.

Hearing her mention her fears about the issues of money, disorders, depression, suicide in her family was weird for two reasons. One because of how rampant those things are in my family. Rampant. Oh the things I've seen. I remember not being able to go back to my mothers after a weekend away because she had been taken to the hospital after eating a bottle of pills. My father constantly in the hospital for alcohol abuse. I can't even begin to list them all. Then there are the things of that nature that I have stood and prayed against in my own life but yet still seen rear their ugly heads. Feeling like you want to end it all out of loneliness or pain but then the scary peace when you realize at a separate time that you honestly could go through with it because you simply do not care anymore. In my counseling wishing there was some sort of medication that I never got to help. I would have given or done anything to rid myself of that pain.
Secondly, the shocker here was that this was coming from her about her. Usually I'm the one hiding these things and fears. Afraid to be found out. Surely if they know they won't accept me. They'll think I won't be a good father or I'm destined to be unstable. It made me realize a little bit how helpless my friends must have felt over the years when I shut them out for fear they wouldn't accept me.

All I could think was, I understand. I really, really do. I am so sorry that you have to run away. That I made you shut down. How much I saw we should learn from one another.

The girl that would smile so very uncontrollably when I she would catch me looking at her. A gentle kiss. A lifted hug. A soft hand. Nervous like middle schoolers. It was beautiful and I loved it. She seemed so happy. Where in one moment she was curled up on my chest and the next she was walled off. Which was real?

I'm not making it out to be more than it was. I know. It was only a short time. But often we judge on potential. What we dream up that could happen later. What our intentions are. How the story should end.

Not sure which side is speaking - God or me -(and admittedly huge lesson I'm learning is that it's ok for me to be wrong) but in my world the Story is too important, to beautifully broken and redeeming to be over.