Onomatopoeia

Today.

So yesterday I gorged on my personal opinion. Stop. Relax. See God.

So this fiasco with my car boot, having to go to CLT to get money because my debit card was gone, getting my checking account locked as I tried to get cash that way via Walmart...So in the end I wrote Pete a check for $100 and had him go get cash from his account for me. This stupid boot thing. $60 fine.

So of course because my car was booted for 14 hours -midnight Sat to 2pm Sun - I got an additional boot, so necessary, meaning $120. Thanks.

Guess what? Remember that $100 check I wrote to Pete to cover my expenses plus gas?

Pete put $200 in the envelope.

...

Yeah let that one sink in.

I also got a flat. In the rain. The stupid spare was rusted in the trunk to where I had to rip and the bolt out of there. I did impress myself a little, you know, ripping metal and all. Once out, the bolt was still fastened to the spare by the rusted, clamped nut on the end so I couldn't put use the spare. I put air in the flat and drove to a tire place to just get a new one. Cost: $80.36. Remember I have no access to money. Debit card still coming in the mail and oh by the way it's Columbus freaking day so the banks are closed so I still can't cash a check.

Reach my hand in my pocket to see how much cash I had left. Pull out four $20 bills. Dig for some change. Perfect.

Not to much. Not to little. Not early. Not late. Just exactly enough. He does have a sense of humor.

The money has nothing to do with it. The value of the money that is. Money really doesn't mean anything to me, it comes and it goes. It's just. I don't know what to say.

What I do see is that God really is here. Trials. Troubles. Come what may.

Someone recently told me that God might be trying to get their attention - and mine too. Thoughts:

-There is a stigma that man equals rough, stoic. If you aren't in control, if you show emotion, you are weak. I felt that growing up. Gosh, here is a scene:

Boy enters car after some debacle of not getting something in the gas station. Verge of tears for some reason. Older cousin says, "Luke are you crying?" to which Father says, "He ain't cryin', he's got too much 'May' blood in him to do that".

I forgot about that.

So anyway, in order for our crust to really be peeled away we often have to be really shaken up. I saw that a few years back. Those memories of being emotionally broken are so vivid. I reached out to connect with estranged family members. Expressed love to people I had negelected. All sorts of things.

My best attempt at onomatopoeia here, you know the "huhhummphhuuu" sucking of air, not quite a full on cry but the gasping that you know you are trying not to but you can't help it. Well, we have become quite the friends over the past 48 hours.

-Seeing that extra $100 in that envelope.
-Thinking about Ray's statement to me last week about my worth
-Pete telling me to 'hang in there'
-Realizing that even though my 'niceness' may have seemed unbelievable to a certain person that maybe, just maybe I really am a nice, great person and that it isn't a show
-Lots of moments in a really big important decision/conversation I had today(that I can't talk about just yet)
-Trying to type all these things right now
-Two complete strangers from www.nancyrayblog.com commenting on something I wrote:
"Mary Lindsey - Clay May... you are great! You have my vote! (Even though I am Nancy's sister, I have no pull in this contest if you win ;-D)" and "Rebecca - Wow, I was speechless as I read Clay May's entry. It was incredible!!"

Again, huhhummphhuuu.
(Just as I'm horrible with impersonating accents, I realize that's probably the worst spelling for that I-tearing-up-sucking-air sound)

So maybe that's where God is taking me. Reminding me. It's ok to be soft. Gentle. Vulnerable. All under the heading of his perfectly timed provision. Because that is not in my natural DNA. But to connect with people, to be a husband, a father, I have to be.

We matter. No. No projecting. I matter. There, I said it.