"Hang in there man"

That's what Pete said when after handing him a check it finally broke through and I couldn't hold back the tears. It sucks crying in front of someone else. Being a grown man.

The details are intricate; maybe I'll go through them at some point so the emotions and tension seems somewhat justified. [Short of it being the realization that I had canceled my debit card waiting on a new one; needed cash on a wkd; tried to cash a check at walmart - you can do "$20" over what you buy - so i'm having to sit and buy pack and packs of gum at 7am till after about three checks the system locks out my account and I can't do that anymore; thus having to write Pete a check and ask him to grab me cash in between services, so ridiculous it's almost comical]

And it all began out of something very exciting and sweet.

But here I am now; about to go lead worship in 1 hour; while literally I laid awake most of the night with my gut feeling like it was being ripped out piece by piece. That's one of the hardest parts of ministry. Trying to be the wounded healer. Forcing yourself to praise God for others when you are utterly broken. Confused. Searching anywhere for solace.

I'm still not even clear what happened. There is someone I care about deeply. And seemingly out of the blue; in the midst of wonderful dates, holding hands, sincere letters, a text missing me, the butterflies of simply being around her - things got complicated.

It was a shockwave like pulling back a scab on a long healed wound I know that.


I DO know God is in control and faithful. I DO. I DO.

I can't help but almost scream at him though. Not so much in anger but rather sorrow - what did I do God years ago, or yesterday, that befits this pain? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

My heart can't handle it. At least it lets me know that I still have one I suppose. But I always thought it was for more than this pulsating anguish that I physically feel right now.

This is a tumultuous time for me and for her; life-wise. The perpetual optimist I know had things been 'stable' I'd be in even more of a position to try and appear like I have everything together, so maybe it's good. Instead, here I am forced to brazenly expose my fears, insecurities and shortcomings to a girl I just met. Doesn't God know how uncomfortable this makes me?

She pleasantly came into my life as a surprise; unexpected. Her faith and conviction a rarity among beautiful women. Girl meets boy and they agree on passions and people. And again the butterflies. Doesn't she know how rare this is? That it's not common place. That's it's hard to find. That it's worth fighting for.

We are players but it's got to be in His hands. It's the only peace. It's the only security we can know in our frailty.

We're all broken people. I know that. There is incredible disbelief that despite that fact, God loves us. But maybe even more so, that we can still love one another. We are so scared. That we cannot love. That we cannot be loved. Her instincts tell her this is true.

I'm praying. Trusting.

I don't want to leave my office. I hear the worship team starting to arrive. Please don't cry. Dork.

I'm being changed from glory to glory. His mercies are new each day. His steadfast love endures forever. Create in me a clean heart. Cast your cares upon him. Pray without ceasing. Set your mind on things above. His eye is on the sparrow. Where your treasure is there your heart will be also. Let the peace of God rule in your heart that exceeds all human understanding.

I don't know.