You mark my words; one day I'm going to have a family of my own and kids and stuff too I suppose. They will be talented and fun and smart and even if they aren't, I'll try to remember their birthdays and create a place in their life that they want to come around on holidays and all.
**
Two or three families have invited me over for dinner either for Christmas eve or Christmas. It's not that I don't appreciate it, I just can't. Even when I get past the whole charity case last minute, oh Clay doesn't have anywhere elseee to go let's invite him over thing, it feels out of place; rather that I am out of place I guess.
The best allegory I can think of, because that's how I think, is sort of like going through a huge breakup then having to go be in someone's wedding (which I've done ironically) the next day. It's a completely beautiful thing, for them, and I celebrate that. It is also, however, an extreme in your face reminder of what you don't have.
So yeah the last thing I want to do is come to some family home full of presents, Christmas trees, big meals and warmth only to feel like an outsider reminded of where I'm from.
This is my first Christmas not working in the church too so even though it was things sometimes from people I didn't know or from staff parties, all that got sucked away this year too. There were always a few things even if it was some random christmas card or tree ornament trinket.
2009 Card Count = 0
2009 Gift Count = 0
2009 Desserts/Cookies etc Count = 0
It's obviously has nothing to do with material items at all; it's the interaction required to pass those things on. I did call my grandfather this morning. We both made jokes about our arms being tired from opening so many presents. I called my mom this afternoon. They were relaxing after a big lunch, I was afraid if I didn't call she wouldn't call me then I'd get the guilt trip. I mean she was pretty busy entertaining everyone at her house all morning. And I don't even know my dad's phone number but I'm sure he's busy too.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Lurking hard; I think that's a skateboard term
Lots of really great conversations.
Makes you feel cared for; valued.
It's wonderful; seeing God work around you.
There is confusion lurking; like talking to an empty room when you thought you had an audience or finishing a sentence and realizing the call was dropped. It's weird. Unsettling; the feeling of being disposed of.
I'm very tired of getting caught up in filler.
I want to host a Thanksgiving meal. I think I'd be good at it.
I bought 40+ candle lanterns to suspend on a stage at Orange; excited to work on that set design next week.
I love wow.
Makes you feel cared for; valued.
It's wonderful; seeing God work around you.
There is confusion lurking; like talking to an empty room when you thought you had an audience or finishing a sentence and realizing the call was dropped. It's weird. Unsettling; the feeling of being disposed of.
I'm very tired of getting caught up in filler.
I want to host a Thanksgiving meal. I think I'd be good at it.
I bought 40+ candle lanterns to suspend on a stage at Orange; excited to work on that set design next week.
I love wow.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Smattering of thoughts
So many things.
I know an itemized list doesn't do it justice. Here we go.
-I wonder about being numb to mission. About whether that is a good or bad thing. People, on their first trips, often come back really moved about what they saw or did. I've seen it in others and in myself; not 'moved' so much anymore. It's like I've seen it before. But maybe that's a good thing - it's not a novelty anymore, but now just a deep, integral part of my life system that I cannot do without.
-Along the same lines. I look at my pictures with the kids. I remember my first mission trips - avoiding the locals, the children especially, ha. Now, within hours of being off the plane in the first ten minutes of being in Batey Siete I had become a jungle gym for every snotty nosed, dirty Dominican child. And it didn't even cross my mind to hesitate. I looked around and people, first-time girls I would see as more maternal/prone to children in the 'real' world, were stand-offish. Pastor Jorge walked beside me that day as I hefted 2 children on my back at the same time to mention that "This child, his father has never done this."
-I'm still in conversations with churches exploring some work options. Matthews church wants me to contract out some design work for them. Orange wants me to do some Advent staging. Christ Church wants me to come jam. Who knows what Bible Church and Kings Park want. And Brookwood (via Bible church pastor sending them my name so they contacted me) just wrote me this email:
---
Clay,
thanks so much. I got it, and will pass this on to our team.
I have looked at a number of resume's and something about you stirs my heart. I'm teaching a conference in Statesville tonight, so I'll call you sometime later today or probably tomorrow.
thanks again,
Bob
---
-I like the ocean and the sun.
-People in the DR speak what I would call redneck Spanish. They drop letters all the time (Buen Dia instead of buenas dias) and combine words just because (Como estas becomes Como tu ta?). It was just like the English my family speaks in Texas.
Annnddd now for some e.e cummings:
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide.
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart....I carry your heart.
I carry it in my heart.
:) Still confused. But alive. Really alive.
I know an itemized list doesn't do it justice. Here we go.
-I wonder about being numb to mission. About whether that is a good or bad thing. People, on their first trips, often come back really moved about what they saw or did. I've seen it in others and in myself; not 'moved' so much anymore. It's like I've seen it before. But maybe that's a good thing - it's not a novelty anymore, but now just a deep, integral part of my life system that I cannot do without.
-Along the same lines. I look at my pictures with the kids. I remember my first mission trips - avoiding the locals, the children especially, ha. Now, within hours of being off the plane in the first ten minutes of being in Batey Siete I had become a jungle gym for every snotty nosed, dirty Dominican child. And it didn't even cross my mind to hesitate. I looked around and people, first-time girls I would see as more maternal/prone to children in the 'real' world, were stand-offish. Pastor Jorge walked beside me that day as I hefted 2 children on my back at the same time to mention that "This child, his father has never done this."
-I'm still in conversations with churches exploring some work options. Matthews church wants me to contract out some design work for them. Orange wants me to do some Advent staging. Christ Church wants me to come jam. Who knows what Bible Church and Kings Park want. And Brookwood (via Bible church pastor sending them my name so they contacted me) just wrote me this email:
---
Clay,
thanks so much. I got it, and will pass this on to our team.
I have looked at a number of resume's and something about you stirs my heart. I'm teaching a conference in Statesville tonight, so I'll call you sometime later today or probably tomorrow.
thanks again,
Bob
---
-I like the ocean and the sun.
-People in the DR speak what I would call redneck Spanish. They drop letters all the time (Buen Dia instead of buenas dias) and combine words just because (Como estas becomes Como tu ta?). It was just like the English my family speaks in Texas.
Annnddd now for some e.e cummings:
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide.
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart....I carry your heart.
I carry it in my heart.
:) Still confused. But alive. Really alive.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Life in the Dominican
Ahhh I wish I could write more but I´m here in an internet cafe that takes forever soooo just a few things about being here in the Dominican Republic:
-Been working these free clinics out in these sort of slum/village/migrant sugar cane worker palces called Bateys the past couple of days, my pharmacxy exp from Kenya and Zambia has paid off to help this operation run alot smoother
-Today poured a concrete floor for this house, MANNN lots of shoveling some heavvvy concrete-o
-i wake up to the sunrise over the ocean in this second story open air place im staying THEN go for a run at 630, its like fat camp but with awesome views
-lots of other great things, i´m paper journaling about and im sure to transfer when i get backkk
-PS-had some incredible potential doors still opening back home with ministry, emails from dif pastors that know im back in town etc, its great!
ok I miss you. thats all. the end.
-Been working these free clinics out in these sort of slum/village/migrant sugar cane worker palces called Bateys the past couple of days, my pharmacxy exp from Kenya and Zambia has paid off to help this operation run alot smoother
-Today poured a concrete floor for this house, MANNN lots of shoveling some heavvvy concrete-o
-i wake up to the sunrise over the ocean in this second story open air place im staying THEN go for a run at 630, its like fat camp but with awesome views
-lots of other great things, i´m paper journaling about and im sure to transfer when i get backkk
-PS-had some incredible potential doors still opening back home with ministry, emails from dif pastors that know im back in town etc, its great!
ok I miss you. thats all. the end.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Island
My life changes minute by minute. No so much 'changes' I guess, but rather just so many things occur; doors open; life.
I had forgotten about this book until I saw it recently. Synopsis is young boy comes home from a field trip and has to recount the day to his mother in a backwards fashion in order to explain the absurdity of the final product: "The day was great until the pigs got on the bus" "Why were there pigs on the bus?!" "Because when the hen house caught on fire they had no where to go" etc etc
Well that's how my life feels. I have this "end result" (though far from any end" but in order to make sense of it I have to back up.
"Yeah so I had a conversation with xx church the other day and now I'm headed to the Dominican for a few weeks" "What? I thought you lived in Charlotte"....
I AM back in Chapel Hill, it's good to be home. At the beginning of all of this I basically had all my eggs in coming back on staff at my old church- but not till the first of the year. Thats what freed me up and started the process of looking to serve abroad for Nov-Dec - because me being here or not wouldn't change that timeline.
Now, however, having only been here a few days, through the connection of knowing most of the pastors and church people in the town I've been invited to engage in some really incredible conversations about some other churches and ministries. Just total, on accident, sort of things where you walk away laughing because God is so incredibly good; but you wish things maybe didn't have to be revealed minute by minute! So odds are I won't be gone quite as long as I had initially anticipated; just to be back here in the thick of things carrying on these wonderful conversations about how to impact this world for the Lord with like-minded people
Such rich conversations I can't fully describe. Some with close friends in ministry. Some with complete strangers. The end result is always an awe for the power of good conversation; a renewed vigor for the thing that God has called and equipped me to do, and confidence and support (from both friends and strangers) in the undeserved talent that the Father has given me.
Ha, I wish i could say 100% exactly what is going to happen on what date, but I can't!
Ok, God, you have my attention. I realize that yourrrr plans are much bigger than mine.
I miss you, already.
Well that's how my life feels. I have this "end result" (though far from any end" but in order to make sense of it I have to back up.
"Yeah so I had a conversation with xx church the other day and now I'm headed to the Dominican for a few weeks" "What? I thought you lived in Charlotte"....
I AM back in Chapel Hill, it's good to be home. At the beginning of all of this I basically had all my eggs in coming back on staff at my old church- but not till the first of the year. Thats what freed me up and started the process of looking to serve abroad for Nov-Dec - because me being here or not wouldn't change that timeline.
Now, however, having only been here a few days, through the connection of knowing most of the pastors and church people in the town I've been invited to engage in some really incredible conversations about some other churches and ministries. Just total, on accident, sort of things where you walk away laughing because God is so incredibly good; but you wish things maybe didn't have to be revealed minute by minute! So odds are I won't be gone quite as long as I had initially anticipated; just to be back here in the thick of things carrying on these wonderful conversations about how to impact this world for the Lord with like-minded people
Such rich conversations I can't fully describe. Some with close friends in ministry. Some with complete strangers. The end result is always an awe for the power of good conversation; a renewed vigor for the thing that God has called and equipped me to do, and confidence and support (from both friends and strangers) in the undeserved talent that the Father has given me.
Ha, I wish i could say 100% exactly what is going to happen on what date, but I can't!
Ok, God, you have my attention. I realize that yourrrr plans are much bigger than mine.
I miss you, already.
Monday, November 2, 2009
MLIA
Synapses firing in full effect:
-Just being back in Chapel Hill; feels great; and more than just being here I'm having all these really incredible doors open...the great thing about doors opening- or cracking maybe? - is that they are always so unexpected. Short of it is that I had the 'beginnings' of another conversation with a very prominent church in the area that is in a lot of transition; looking for a senior minister and a few other positions, so much so that I was asked what my 'ideal' position would be. Going to follow up with that Monday.
-Awesomeee dinner and convo with a close buddy in ministry tonight too. He also talked about trying to bring me on even as a "consultant", ha whatever that means. I love being a student of worship; what that means, how we connect to God, and how the Church touches the world through the context of worship. I love it. He is also just so "accidentally" encouraging talking with him about all these options he remarks that I'm able to do these things because God has talented me so.
-NOW; in light of those conversations; and the immediate opportunities to plug into some churches to feel them out, I ALMOST don't want to leave to work in the Dominican this week. It is an incredible opportunity though and I think I will benefit from time away and helping the people there. Soooo, I think I will plan to continue conversations via email and some phone; more so than I originally thought, and just be open to coming back earlier than I had planned. It's all very good.
I say it's all very good and I just mean that so much from my heart that I see and know God taking care of my life - not in just mediocre ways - but in true abundant fashion. Not that the Lord promises earthly riches or that things will always be "happy" but just to feel that no matter what, he has my back. It's incredible.
The only sad note is that I miss this girl still. It doesn't physically 'hurt' as much anymore to see her words or face but she is still just; there. I miss her. That's all.She was so unique in ridiculus ways and my favorite was the fact that her heart seemed to be in time with the way in which I am called to minister. I never had to apologize about my dreams for ministry or who I was called to be because I could see her there right alongside as an equal.
I love where I live right now, it is such a blessing. One unexpected perk is that I have reconnected with Jay the ex-youth who's family owns the house. It's such a nice house. Jay is a good kid. He was one of my closest kids back in the day; there was a group of about 5 that were the notable favorites, ha. I'm just glad to have a stake in being a part of influencing his life and seeing Christ at work.
Who knows what tomorrow may bring.
-Just being back in Chapel Hill; feels great; and more than just being here I'm having all these really incredible doors open...the great thing about doors opening- or cracking maybe? - is that they are always so unexpected. Short of it is that I had the 'beginnings' of another conversation with a very prominent church in the area that is in a lot of transition; looking for a senior minister and a few other positions, so much so that I was asked what my 'ideal' position would be. Going to follow up with that Monday.
-Awesomeee dinner and convo with a close buddy in ministry tonight too. He also talked about trying to bring me on even as a "consultant", ha whatever that means. I love being a student of worship; what that means, how we connect to God, and how the Church touches the world through the context of worship. I love it. He is also just so "accidentally" encouraging talking with him about all these options he remarks that I'm able to do these things because God has talented me so.
-NOW; in light of those conversations; and the immediate opportunities to plug into some churches to feel them out, I ALMOST don't want to leave to work in the Dominican this week. It is an incredible opportunity though and I think I will benefit from time away and helping the people there. Soooo, I think I will plan to continue conversations via email and some phone; more so than I originally thought, and just be open to coming back earlier than I had planned. It's all very good.
I say it's all very good and I just mean that so much from my heart that I see and know God taking care of my life - not in just mediocre ways - but in true abundant fashion. Not that the Lord promises earthly riches or that things will always be "happy" but just to feel that no matter what, he has my back. It's incredible.
The only sad note is that I miss this girl still. It doesn't physically 'hurt' as much anymore to see her words or face but she is still just; there. I miss her. That's all.She was so unique in ridiculus ways and my favorite was the fact that her heart seemed to be in time with the way in which I am called to minister. I never had to apologize about my dreams for ministry or who I was called to be because I could see her there right alongside as an equal.
I love where I live right now, it is such a blessing. One unexpected perk is that I have reconnected with Jay the ex-youth who's family owns the house. It's such a nice house. Jay is a good kid. He was one of my closest kids back in the day; there was a group of about 5 that were the notable favorites, ha. I'm just glad to have a stake in being a part of influencing his life and seeing Christ at work.
Who knows what tomorrow may bring.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
THE plan (Of course it may change tomorrow)
Ok so FINALLY got whats going on; well for the next two months anyway.
Wednesday I leave for the Dominican Republic.
I was looking at so many places trying to 'make' something happen. Then remembered that Brad (our cool missions pastor) was taking a team for a week to Barahona, DR Nov 7-14 and I had almost signed up earlier.
I ask if I could join him and them team -medical and construction - then stay longer. I get in contact with Dr. Jorge and Pastor Pedro (their real names, ha) they say yeah thats a great idea. And Waaalaaaaa...
Oh silly me always worrying about God's timing when he's shown me over and over again.
I'm excited about this bc it's not jsut me 'showing up' somewhere, I mean, it is a little bit but I'll have an immediate "in" to be doing ministry. Ahhhh, so awesome. Did I mention Barahona is on the ocean?
Yeah so I'm actually going down by myself a few days before the team to Santo Domingo to hang in the city then I'll meet them at the airport and take the 3 hr bus with them to B.
AHHHH.. i also have a great place to live in Chapel Hill. It's a block from Orange, my old church. The way it worked out was this family I know, a kid who was in the youth band I'm real close with - well his parents basically moved to Louisiana for work but they kept their house for Jay and his sister to stay at when they need and for them and also sort of as their retirement (4 bdrm Chapel Hill home prolly $700k). Jay has an apt in G'boro now and Lisa is leaving too sooooo they are letting me stay there in that house, WHAAAAA, like a caretaker ha. Its an incredible house but it need to be cleaned you can imagine what a 21 yr old boy living there on holidays looks like.
Oh, Father you really are good to me. I am so sorry I am so impatient, or worrisome. I know you hold all in the palm of your hand. Help me to see that more clearly. All these decisions "I'm" trying to make or determine the time for; work, her, housing, etc. It's all good. It really is.
Wednesday I leave for the Dominican Republic.
I was looking at so many places trying to 'make' something happen. Then remembered that Brad (our cool missions pastor) was taking a team for a week to Barahona, DR Nov 7-14 and I had almost signed up earlier.
I ask if I could join him and them team -medical and construction - then stay longer. I get in contact with Dr. Jorge and Pastor Pedro (their real names, ha) they say yeah thats a great idea. And Waaalaaaaa...
Oh silly me always worrying about God's timing when he's shown me over and over again.
I'm excited about this bc it's not jsut me 'showing up' somewhere, I mean, it is a little bit but I'll have an immediate "in" to be doing ministry. Ahhhh, so awesome. Did I mention Barahona is on the ocean?
Yeah so I'm actually going down by myself a few days before the team to Santo Domingo to hang in the city then I'll meet them at the airport and take the 3 hr bus with them to B.
AHHHH.. i also have a great place to live in Chapel Hill. It's a block from Orange, my old church. The way it worked out was this family I know, a kid who was in the youth band I'm real close with - well his parents basically moved to Louisiana for work but they kept their house for Jay and his sister to stay at when they need and for them and also sort of as their retirement (4 bdrm Chapel Hill home prolly $700k). Jay has an apt in G'boro now and Lisa is leaving too sooooo they are letting me stay there in that house, WHAAAAA, like a caretaker ha. Its an incredible house but it need to be cleaned you can imagine what a 21 yr old boy living there on holidays looks like.
Oh, Father you really are good to me. I am so sorry I am so impatient, or worrisome. I know you hold all in the palm of your hand. Help me to see that more clearly. All these decisions "I'm" trying to make or determine the time for; work, her, housing, etc. It's all good. It really is.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What Now
So many things going on.
Sold a house today. How's that for being grown up.
I have a really great housing arrangement of sorts that I'm happy about while I look for another long term place.
A little anxious about not having a 'for sure' job in January; but it's ok, Jesus is looking out for me.
Still completely confused by her. Caught between "I honor the space you want" and "I want you to know I'm still here; I'm in". It's a strange line to navigate; but worth it or I would have been gone long ago.
Trying to figure out how to spend the next two months. Lots of random crazy ideas. Just looking for the right door to open.
Selah.
Sold a house today. How's that for being grown up.
I have a really great housing arrangement of sorts that I'm happy about while I look for another long term place.
A little anxious about not having a 'for sure' job in January; but it's ok, Jesus is looking out for me.
Still completely confused by her. Caught between "I honor the space you want" and "I want you to know I'm still here; I'm in". It's a strange line to navigate; but worth it or I would have been gone long ago.
Trying to figure out how to spend the next two months. Lots of random crazy ideas. Just looking for the right door to open.
Selah.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Late night ironing and I found my ring!
Ah fun times this evening with the boys going to service (of which we didn't have to lead bc the Spanish congregation did) then we had a short rehearsal then went to the movies. I ironed both the boys shirts tonight, ha. I'm like a mom and a dad all rolled up into one. It's just fun to be around people I care so much about.
Tomorrow morning is my last Sunday in Matthews. It is bittersweet but I have so much peace about how everything has and will fall into place.
*Getting excited/nervous about Indonesia.
I had recently sent a msg to a close friend in Colorado. I say close but really its someone I had talked to in years. But I guess close guy friends can just pick back up like that. My initial msg to him was simply asking for prayer. He prodded until I wrote him a quick synopsis about my life changing so much recently, the loneliness etc. My loneliness/frustration even though I do have so many friends, close friends, that I find comfort in. He said a lot but one thing that stood out was his words about it's ok/natural/Godly to have an inner longing for a opposite sex connection, especially with someone who inspires us - joking that God made Adam with Eve not Adam with a bro. It made me laugh.
Ahhhh one thing about cleaning out your house to sell is that you find things you had lost. I found both my watch anddddd my silver ring. I didn't care so much for the watch; in fact I tried to give it to Robert tonight but since we both have cell phones neither of us have need for it. But I was excited to find my ring. It's just this simple silver band I switch back and forth between my right and left hand on my ring finger with the word 'purity' engraved on the inside. It's horribly scuffed and dinged but it is lovely.
So blessed.
The young guy behind the counter at Dickies BBQ today asked "How long did it take you to grow that out?" Ha, I love it.
I have two really incredible possibilities about where I might live back in CH while I look for my rolling meadow surrounded by trees I'm going to buy. Yes. I will know it when I see it.
I pray that people see Christ tomorrow morning and are stirred in their souls to have a deeper longing for him and the incredible life he brings.
Tomorrow morning is my last Sunday in Matthews. It is bittersweet but I have so much peace about how everything has and will fall into place.
*Getting excited/nervous about Indonesia.
I had recently sent a msg to a close friend in Colorado. I say close but really its someone I had talked to in years. But I guess close guy friends can just pick back up like that. My initial msg to him was simply asking for prayer. He prodded until I wrote him a quick synopsis about my life changing so much recently, the loneliness etc. My loneliness/frustration even though I do have so many friends, close friends, that I find comfort in. He said a lot but one thing that stood out was his words about it's ok/natural/Godly to have an inner longing for a opposite sex connection, especially with someone who inspires us - joking that God made Adam with Eve not Adam with a bro. It made me laugh.
Ahhhh one thing about cleaning out your house to sell is that you find things you had lost. I found both my watch anddddd my silver ring. I didn't care so much for the watch; in fact I tried to give it to Robert tonight but since we both have cell phones neither of us have need for it. But I was excited to find my ring. It's just this simple silver band I switch back and forth between my right and left hand on my ring finger with the word 'purity' engraved on the inside. It's horribly scuffed and dinged but it is lovely.
So blessed.
The young guy behind the counter at Dickies BBQ today asked "How long did it take you to grow that out?" Ha, I love it.
I have two really incredible possibilities about where I might live back in CH while I look for my rolling meadow surrounded by trees I'm going to buy. Yes. I will know it when I see it.
I pray that people see Christ tomorrow morning and are stirred in their souls to have a deeper longing for him and the incredible life he brings.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Welcome to Moe's!!!
Friday night in chapel hill. Sitting at Moe's. WElcOME TO MOES! Ha. I like it here. Some NBA game on the tv. Johnny Cash playing in the background. I'm not sure what they are going for here.
Moved stuff from my house today. Mostly to Jennings and annas house for them to use. It's a win win. I'm finally getting more comfortable that the house will close Tuesday since the buyer has put the utilities in their name.
I got Indonesia on the phone last night. It was a funny conversation them handing the phone around the office trying to find someone who spoke english well enough. I'm hoping to go around Nov 4. For who knows how long. I did go to REI and check out some potential supplies I might need.
Stopped by and had a great convo with jan and Jaci holland today. I really like them. I have a lot to catch people up on these days. Jan knew about mmmm a certain girl so I had to catch them up on that but Jaci wanted to see a picture but I told her no because it would make me sad.
Not a lot of my friends are here right now. Some are out of town. A good many are at the fair. And I'm cold chillin at Moes.
My last Sunday is this weekend. I'm excited for the next phase of my life and the adventure God continually has me on.
Moved stuff from my house today. Mostly to Jennings and annas house for them to use. It's a win win. I'm finally getting more comfortable that the house will close Tuesday since the buyer has put the utilities in their name.
I got Indonesia on the phone last night. It was a funny conversation them handing the phone around the office trying to find someone who spoke english well enough. I'm hoping to go around Nov 4. For who knows how long. I did go to REI and check out some potential supplies I might need.
Stopped by and had a great convo with jan and Jaci holland today. I really like them. I have a lot to catch people up on these days. Jan knew about mmmm a certain girl so I had to catch them up on that but Jaci wanted to see a picture but I told her no because it would make me sad.
Not a lot of my friends are here right now. Some are out of town. A good many are at the fair. And I'm cold chillin at Moes.
My last Sunday is this weekend. I'm excited for the next phase of my life and the adventure God continually has me on.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Nehemiah and January
I've been in a lot of Old Testament tales as of late. I read through Nehemiah last night. So many things came to mind. Passion for a people and a place. Focus on God through adversity. The miraculous way God provides. The joy of the Lord is your strength(8:10).
I have both a peace and an anxiousness about a lot of things right now. It's weird when you have moments of God's spirit interacting with yours. It's often in ways that you cannot put into exact words. It's like trying to describe deja vu I suppose. Anyway, I was in my car heading home when I got a sweeping sense about things going to "be ok" with a certain relational uncertainty I am having. That's the best way I can describe it. It was a sense of happiness. I wish I could articulate it better, or what it means.
On the other front of my life I'm working on my whole where to live/work thing for January. I really do have a peace about it. I have a confidence in who I am and the gifts that God has given me and the way that people see that. I absolutely know things will fall into place. I think it is also alright to admit a little fear or uncertainty and it not be detrimental to my faith. I wonder what I can learn from Nehemiah.
Hmmm, in thinking about all these uncertainties right now it does lead me to more peace about that whole "girl" thing. I mean on one hand there is something valuable about the conversations, the support, the joy that comes with that. But I really, really can't imagine being able to give and commit to something the way I would want to right now because of all this flux in my life for this short season. I think it would just make me frustrated and not be my true self ~ instead I think I'd be worried about all the other things in life, overly needy, and distracted.
Hmmmm.
Crunch time. I am trying to figure out if I should go to CH right now and move stuff from my house before it sells Tuesday. I'd have to do it Sunday at the latest I think.
I looked at farm/ranch/land today online. Pretty excited about that. But that's nothing for the next probably 6 months anyway.
Deep down inside I'm still peeking around the door to see if I somehow still get to go to the fair. It's a stretch but hey, crazier things have happened.
I have both a peace and an anxiousness about a lot of things right now. It's weird when you have moments of God's spirit interacting with yours. It's often in ways that you cannot put into exact words. It's like trying to describe deja vu I suppose. Anyway, I was in my car heading home when I got a sweeping sense about things going to "be ok" with a certain relational uncertainty I am having. That's the best way I can describe it. It was a sense of happiness. I wish I could articulate it better, or what it means.
On the other front of my life I'm working on my whole where to live/work thing for January. I really do have a peace about it. I have a confidence in who I am and the gifts that God has given me and the way that people see that. I absolutely know things will fall into place. I think it is also alright to admit a little fear or uncertainty and it not be detrimental to my faith. I wonder what I can learn from Nehemiah.
Hmmm, in thinking about all these uncertainties right now it does lead me to more peace about that whole "girl" thing. I mean on one hand there is something valuable about the conversations, the support, the joy that comes with that. But I really, really can't imagine being able to give and commit to something the way I would want to right now because of all this flux in my life for this short season. I think it would just make me frustrated and not be my true self ~ instead I think I'd be worried about all the other things in life, overly needy, and distracted.
Hmmmm.
Crunch time. I am trying to figure out if I should go to CH right now and move stuff from my house before it sells Tuesday. I'd have to do it Sunday at the latest I think.
I looked at farm/ranch/land today online. Pretty excited about that. But that's nothing for the next probably 6 months anyway.
Deep down inside I'm still peeking around the door to see if I somehow still get to go to the fair. It's a stretch but hey, crazier things have happened.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Success!!
I got to lead staff worship this morning for the last time. Tear.
Yes, tis sweet to trust in Jesus, just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking life and rest, and joy and peace.
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him. How I've proved him o'er and o'er.
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus. O for grace to trust him more.
Verse 3 is my favorite of that tune.
It's not really the first book you think of when you want to pick up the bible and find encouragement but 2 Chronicles 26:
-Uzziah was sixteen years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem fifty-two years. His mother's name was Jecoliah; she was from Jerusalem. He did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, just as his father Amaziah had done. He sought God during the days of Zechariah, who instructed him in the fear of God. As long as he sought the LORD, God gave him success. -
Success is not prosperity. Maybe it's not even happiness. It's seeking the Lord to truly glorify him, not even the great "things" that he accomplishes through us. That's hard in ministry often when we see God working in other people's lives because of something we did or said (Uzziah's ultimate fate illustrates this). Success is simply seeking him. Humble reliance.
Maybe it's been the way that I've been rocked a little in the past few weeks but I have noticed a different hunger in my soul of which I am so grateful for. It's like I need to taste the word some each day. As much as I enjoy all music and art I need to hear songs of praise each day.
Maybe despite myself, I'm finding success.
Yes, tis sweet to trust in Jesus, just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking life and rest, and joy and peace.
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him. How I've proved him o'er and o'er.
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus. O for grace to trust him more.
Verse 3 is my favorite of that tune.
It's not really the first book you think of when you want to pick up the bible and find encouragement but 2 Chronicles 26:
-Uzziah was sixteen years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem fifty-two years. His mother's name was Jecoliah; she was from Jerusalem. He did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, just as his father Amaziah had done. He sought God during the days of Zechariah, who instructed him in the fear of God. As long as he sought the LORD, God gave him success. -
Success is not prosperity. Maybe it's not even happiness. It's seeking the Lord to truly glorify him, not even the great "things" that he accomplishes through us. That's hard in ministry often when we see God working in other people's lives because of something we did or said (Uzziah's ultimate fate illustrates this). Success is simply seeking him. Humble reliance.
Maybe it's been the way that I've been rocked a little in the past few weeks but I have noticed a different hunger in my soul of which I am so grateful for. It's like I need to taste the word some each day. As much as I enjoy all music and art I need to hear songs of praise each day.
Maybe despite myself, I'm finding success.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Whoa buddy
I am so ridiculously worn out right now. Whew.
I received my "punch list" from the buyers for my house. It's what you get after inspection and is the list of things they are suggested to get fixed. Joel and I didn't catch it in the initial contract (he felt bad) but they had an addendum that basically I would pay up to $3500 for these things. Geez! So basically they would hire a contractor to do it this week and I would pay for it all up to $3500.
So there were 27 items. Yeah, 27! At first I was shocked/worried but then as I looked I realized most of it was tedious/busy work type things that "I" could just do myself!
I actually designed and built a master bath addition on the house all myself last year and I was worried that they were going to find MAJOR problems with but alas, only a few things were wrong there and they were mostly just things I never finished (installing the foundation vents, cleaning out the crawl space etc). I even picked out the colors myself, ha.
I had to do some electrical work under the old part of the house - install junction boxes at a couple of splices, insulation, and ductwork repair, nothing major...BUT I couldn't help be scared of the snakkkkes that I know freakin live under there. Jerks. I hate snakes.
Either way I actually ended up doing 25 of the 27 things all myself -installed a window pane, fixed all the hanging doors - gosh so many little things. So worn out from working about 4 hours last night then all day from 7am to 7pm today. Crawling around on my stomach, throwing bricks, hating snakes.
Yay.
I'm very blessed. God loves me. I love him and his people the best that I can each day. I miss a girl. I know it's in his hands but I also want to use my brain and heart that he gave me in the best way.
Something more eloquent later maybe. Right now gotta get a little word and goooooo toooo sleeeepp.
I received my "punch list" from the buyers for my house. It's what you get after inspection and is the list of things they are suggested to get fixed. Joel and I didn't catch it in the initial contract (he felt bad) but they had an addendum that basically I would pay up to $3500 for these things. Geez! So basically they would hire a contractor to do it this week and I would pay for it all up to $3500.
So there were 27 items. Yeah, 27! At first I was shocked/worried but then as I looked I realized most of it was tedious/busy work type things that "I" could just do myself!
I actually designed and built a master bath addition on the house all myself last year and I was worried that they were going to find MAJOR problems with but alas, only a few things were wrong there and they were mostly just things I never finished (installing the foundation vents, cleaning out the crawl space etc). I even picked out the colors myself, ha.
I had to do some electrical work under the old part of the house - install junction boxes at a couple of splices, insulation, and ductwork repair, nothing major...BUT I couldn't help be scared of the snakkkkes that I know freakin live under there. Jerks. I hate snakes.
Either way I actually ended up doing 25 of the 27 things all myself -installed a window pane, fixed all the hanging doors - gosh so many little things. So worn out from working about 4 hours last night then all day from 7am to 7pm today. Crawling around on my stomach, throwing bricks, hating snakes.
Yay.
I'm very blessed. God loves me. I love him and his people the best that I can each day. I miss a girl. I know it's in his hands but I also want to use my brain and heart that he gave me in the best way.
Something more eloquent later maybe. Right now gotta get a little word and goooooo toooo sleeeepp.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Synapses
I went to dinner and a movie this evening. I don't mind doing that alone from time to time. Yeah I guess it does make you a little sad or wonder what people think when they see you. But it does give me time to muse and process the world around me just to myself. I'm not sure if that is good or bad.
The movie, Bright Star, was about the love between poet John Keats and Franny Brawne. The wordsmithing and intense emotion was incredible. I wish there was a better word. They are in love and absence creates a palpable pain in their hearts. Living in one anothers letters. It was very beautifully shot as well. One of the best lines, in defending his love for Miss Brawne to one of his cynical friends; "There is a holiness to the hearts affections you know nothing about." Great. Just great.
Chapel Hill was good for my heart, as I have already written about. However, I was thinking about my time there and that I didn't really (at church anyway) interact with people "just like me" -age, marital status, interests etc - but yet I felt at home. I find that striking because one of 'reasons' for feeling alone here is that I don't see those connections with other people here. Maybe those things don't matter as much as I like to think. It still strikes me as curious when I hear Joel, in his late 40's, or Robert, at 17, describe or introduce me as one of their "friends". It does make me feel accepted, so much.
While waiting on the movie, Ingrid Michaelson's "Everybody" was playing. Such a happy song.
I have an idea for a table I want to build. I've wanted to build furniture for a while. Instead of using timber in a linear fashion, I'll make the top out of the round cross sections trimmed to fit tightly. It will still be a rectangular table but I think the roundness of the rings will cause an interesting blending of rigid and organic.
The next two weeks are going to be busy and uncertain. I'm ok with that. I'm excited to see doors open. I know they will. I'm excited to stay in the word and the life it brings.
I wish my phone would ring. I miss that very much.
The movie, Bright Star, was about the love between poet John Keats and Franny Brawne. The wordsmithing and intense emotion was incredible. I wish there was a better word. They are in love and absence creates a palpable pain in their hearts. Living in one anothers letters. It was very beautifully shot as well. One of the best lines, in defending his love for Miss Brawne to one of his cynical friends; "There is a holiness to the hearts affections you know nothing about." Great. Just great.
Chapel Hill was good for my heart, as I have already written about. However, I was thinking about my time there and that I didn't really (at church anyway) interact with people "just like me" -age, marital status, interests etc - but yet I felt at home. I find that striking because one of 'reasons' for feeling alone here is that I don't see those connections with other people here. Maybe those things don't matter as much as I like to think. It still strikes me as curious when I hear Joel, in his late 40's, or Robert, at 17, describe or introduce me as one of their "friends". It does make me feel accepted, so much.
While waiting on the movie, Ingrid Michaelson's "Everybody" was playing. Such a happy song.
I have an idea for a table I want to build. I've wanted to build furniture for a while. Instead of using timber in a linear fashion, I'll make the top out of the round cross sections trimmed to fit tightly. It will still be a rectangular table but I think the roundness of the rings will cause an interesting blending of rigid and organic.
The next two weeks are going to be busy and uncertain. I'm ok with that. I'm excited to see doors open. I know they will. I'm excited to stay in the word and the life it brings.
I wish my phone would ring. I miss that very much.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Home.
Today I was in Chapel Hill at my home church fall festival. I got to see soooo many people that I love here are the highlights:
-The beard. Mixed reviews. Ha. Sweeping sterotype alert: Girls initially don't like it. Guys are like "Man, that's impressive." Hmmm
-It feels so good to be around people who know and love you.
-I think I've matured - relationally - since I've been gone. I just feel it in the intentionality and ear that I give people. Maybe being gone reminded me of how important valuable relationships are.
-Those people are my family and they trust me.
-One of the best moments was when I ran into someone who used to be in my youth group; not having talked formally with them in probably a year it was really incredible just to pick back up and chat about nothing, life, and important things. I wish I could decribe it better. It gave me a sense of "what you do, even little things, matter to people". Your words. Your presence.
I'm a little anxious about the future but I think to be too anxious would negate the incredible way that God has worked in the past two weeks or so with timing, my heart, and my peace. There is a big sense of anxiousness with many people in Chapel Hill and I truly saw myself as an example; an anchor, of peace and God's sovereignty to people - even people way older! Ha. It's a good feeling to know you can be used.
*My thoughts trail to her. Hmmmm.
I had a great dinner and conversation with my long time friend Kelly. She has always been good to talk to. She's got some exciting/complicated relationship stuff going on and I hope I was a good listening ear. I think I'm getting better at that. He's 12 years her elder and in another hemisphere. It's complicated but she is really giving it an A+ effort I think, which is good for her. I was able to share with her all about these ministry variables and my own relational, mmmmm, uncertainties. It was good.
Honesty alert: I am aware of temptations that lurk back home. The proximity of people I should not spend my time with. (Read: Girls whom do not have my heart or spirituality in their best interest).
I am happy and contented. I am complete in knowing exactly, well, pretty close anyway, what I am looking for. Though I'm not sure where it is. It's good to feel my standards high again.
-The beard. Mixed reviews. Ha. Sweeping sterotype alert: Girls initially don't like it. Guys are like "Man, that's impressive." Hmmm
-It feels so good to be around people who know and love you.
-I think I've matured - relationally - since I've been gone. I just feel it in the intentionality and ear that I give people. Maybe being gone reminded me of how important valuable relationships are.
-Those people are my family and they trust me.
-One of the best moments was when I ran into someone who used to be in my youth group; not having talked formally with them in probably a year it was really incredible just to pick back up and chat about nothing, life, and important things. I wish I could decribe it better. It gave me a sense of "what you do, even little things, matter to people". Your words. Your presence.
I'm a little anxious about the future but I think to be too anxious would negate the incredible way that God has worked in the past two weeks or so with timing, my heart, and my peace. There is a big sense of anxiousness with many people in Chapel Hill and I truly saw myself as an example; an anchor, of peace and God's sovereignty to people - even people way older! Ha. It's a good feeling to know you can be used.
*My thoughts trail to her. Hmmmm.
I had a great dinner and conversation with my long time friend Kelly. She has always been good to talk to. She's got some exciting/complicated relationship stuff going on and I hope I was a good listening ear. I think I'm getting better at that. He's 12 years her elder and in another hemisphere. It's complicated but she is really giving it an A+ effort I think, which is good for her. I was able to share with her all about these ministry variables and my own relational, mmmmm, uncertainties. It was good.
Honesty alert: I am aware of temptations that lurk back home. The proximity of people I should not spend my time with. (Read: Girls whom do not have my heart or spirituality in their best interest).
I am happy and contented. I am complete in knowing exactly, well, pretty close anyway, what I am looking for. Though I'm not sure where it is. It's good to feel my standards high again.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Things move fast when you're young
So tonight we told the team, the first public group to know, that I will be leaving Matthews. Everything is happening so fast. It's hard for me to keep up, much less keep people informed. Best effort 1-2-3 go.
For weeks now I've been unsettled. Frustrated. My "home", Chapel Hill, is having a hard time as well. They have some intense staffing issues that are just...nuts. People are really upset. Really.
So I came to the table with an offer of sorts to come back. The comittee, though vocal in favor, decided to give the person at the center of their misery a little bit more of a chance. He's already been there a year. They want to do that until Dec. 8. This in and of itself caused even more of a stink and for the first time in church history the recomendation from that team was voted down by another. Sort of like checks and balances.
Either way I was devastated when I heard the news. I mean it made logical and spiritual sense for me so the meeting seemed like a mere formality. I was so upset that night. I felt locked in to being where I am. Not happy.
After consorting with a mentor. I was reminded that that door was probably still open. In fact, probably more open than it was before. He also suggested another exciting possibility. Another story.
Either way the plan was to go ahead and begin conversation with Matthews about my transition. Because even if I ended up going back to CH to work randomly for a while as I waited on ministry; I'd be happier than here and miserable.
Those conversations were very constructive and full of peace. We thought and prayed through what it would look like; stay through Christmas or go ahead a do something soon. We decided that, in order to help me go ahead and move forward, to work out a sooner than later transition.
In the meantime I got an offer on my house for sale in Chapel Hill that has been on the market since May.
Now the 'reasons' why I am not a good fit here is exactly that. Just not a good fit. It's not that I'm bad or the church is bad. I don't feel like I fit into not only the church culture but also just the culture of the town. The church hired me to move them forward in worship arts, to dream big, its what I love to do and was successful for many years in CH. However there is a huge disparity between where they are right now, where I am right now, the niche they serve, and what I bring to the table. Again, it's just different.
It's just not where I am called to serve right now. My passions and gifts aren't being utilized and to force it would be disingenuous to me and take them in a place they aren't necessarily called to go.
Timeline:
Tuesday: Meeting decides to give homeboy a little more chance.
Wednesday: Conversation with mentor opens up doors and my heart to other options rather than just sitting here unhappy.
Thursday: Conversation with boss about my transition.
Friday: Offer on the house.
Monday: Conversation with boss and senior pastor to finalize our decision to transition.
Wednesday (Today): Inform worship team about the transition.
Thursday 14th: Staff and churchwide email to inform them.
18th: Announce at wkd services
25th: Last Sunday here.
27th: Closing on house.
31st: Lease is up on apt in Charlotte.
Hmmm. How about all that timing. My lease ending, the house closing. Also if you don't know, house closings usually take 6+weeks, instead they are pushing through and set the date for right at 2 weeks. Two weeks. It's beyond crazy.
Also because Matthews invited me to be here they feel that it is important not to just send me out on my own but they are putting together an actual severance package for me. That's unheard of. But awesome. So between that and selling the house I'm so ok. In fact I'm planning fill that next month or so doing some relief work around the Pacific rim most affected by typhoons, floods and earthquakes. Love it.
Of course its so very hazy. But just to look around and see how God works is incredible. The truth is - and I hope I can always see this - that when things don't work out the way we think they might it's often because they are going to work out even better.
I want to share that spiritual fact with everyone I meet.
For weeks now I've been unsettled. Frustrated. My "home", Chapel Hill, is having a hard time as well. They have some intense staffing issues that are just...nuts. People are really upset. Really.
So I came to the table with an offer of sorts to come back. The comittee, though vocal in favor, decided to give the person at the center of their misery a little bit more of a chance. He's already been there a year. They want to do that until Dec. 8. This in and of itself caused even more of a stink and for the first time in church history the recomendation from that team was voted down by another. Sort of like checks and balances.
Either way I was devastated when I heard the news. I mean it made logical and spiritual sense for me so the meeting seemed like a mere formality. I was so upset that night. I felt locked in to being where I am. Not happy.
After consorting with a mentor. I was reminded that that door was probably still open. In fact, probably more open than it was before. He also suggested another exciting possibility. Another story.
Either way the plan was to go ahead and begin conversation with Matthews about my transition. Because even if I ended up going back to CH to work randomly for a while as I waited on ministry; I'd be happier than here and miserable.
Those conversations were very constructive and full of peace. We thought and prayed through what it would look like; stay through Christmas or go ahead a do something soon. We decided that, in order to help me go ahead and move forward, to work out a sooner than later transition.
In the meantime I got an offer on my house for sale in Chapel Hill that has been on the market since May.
Now the 'reasons' why I am not a good fit here is exactly that. Just not a good fit. It's not that I'm bad or the church is bad. I don't feel like I fit into not only the church culture but also just the culture of the town. The church hired me to move them forward in worship arts, to dream big, its what I love to do and was successful for many years in CH. However there is a huge disparity between where they are right now, where I am right now, the niche they serve, and what I bring to the table. Again, it's just different.
It's just not where I am called to serve right now. My passions and gifts aren't being utilized and to force it would be disingenuous to me and take them in a place they aren't necessarily called to go.
Timeline:
Tuesday: Meeting decides to give homeboy a little more chance.
Wednesday: Conversation with mentor opens up doors and my heart to other options rather than just sitting here unhappy.
Thursday: Conversation with boss about my transition.
Friday: Offer on the house.
Monday: Conversation with boss and senior pastor to finalize our decision to transition.
Wednesday (Today): Inform worship team about the transition.
Thursday 14th: Staff and churchwide email to inform them.
18th: Announce at wkd services
25th: Last Sunday here.
27th: Closing on house.
31st: Lease is up on apt in Charlotte.
Hmmm. How about all that timing. My lease ending, the house closing. Also if you don't know, house closings usually take 6+weeks, instead they are pushing through and set the date for right at 2 weeks. Two weeks. It's beyond crazy.
Also because Matthews invited me to be here they feel that it is important not to just send me out on my own but they are putting together an actual severance package for me. That's unheard of. But awesome. So between that and selling the house I'm so ok. In fact I'm planning fill that next month or so doing some relief work around the Pacific rim most affected by typhoons, floods and earthquakes. Love it.
Of course its so very hazy. But just to look around and see how God works is incredible. The truth is - and I hope I can always see this - that when things don't work out the way we think they might it's often because they are going to work out even better.
I want to share that spiritual fact with everyone I meet.
State Fair Time!!
We were going to the State Fair. It may have been one of the only things you ever said "Yes" to without any hesistation. Excited. Then scared. I'd end up meeting them. They offered to let me stay but that was way out of the question, a quick introduction would be all I was allowed.
It had happened before. And he disappeared.
It was the fears that you articulated to me - that I might find something in you, in them, that I would find so repulsive I'd have to run away. The only way to prevent that would be to run away first.
I don't know if those fears existed before he came but they do now. And justified. Rightly so. He hurt you. I wish I could tell you why. There is a lot I don't know.
I know I'm not him.
I was hurt so badly years ago. Almost exactly the same date you were. The irony made me curious in our conversation that day on your couch. I still hold some of those fears from that. You. Are not her.
I'm not entirely sure of the punch list that it has taken for me to move forward over my past two years. I still hold fears yes. But I'm forward, here now. Looking ahead, open to calculated risks with someone, and only someone, that I would be proud to be around.
You can't let him hold you back. Still looking for a glance of him in pictures. Dwelling on him. Looking at and for him. His friends. Whatever. His shadow has run deep over your life.
I am not.
Him.
It had happened before. And he disappeared.
It was the fears that you articulated to me - that I might find something in you, in them, that I would find so repulsive I'd have to run away. The only way to prevent that would be to run away first.
I don't know if those fears existed before he came but they do now. And justified. Rightly so. He hurt you. I wish I could tell you why. There is a lot I don't know.
I know I'm not him.
I was hurt so badly years ago. Almost exactly the same date you were. The irony made me curious in our conversation that day on your couch. I still hold some of those fears from that. You. Are not her.
I'm not entirely sure of the punch list that it has taken for me to move forward over my past two years. I still hold fears yes. But I'm forward, here now. Looking ahead, open to calculated risks with someone, and only someone, that I would be proud to be around.
You can't let him hold you back. Still looking for a glance of him in pictures. Dwelling on him. Looking at and for him. His friends. Whatever. His shadow has run deep over your life.
I am not.
Him.
Giving and the World Tour 09
I think I'm a gift giver. I like it. Giving isn't done to get anything back. It's not done because there is monetary value on the person you are giving the gift to.
It's merely one of the many ways to manifest thought, care, and interest.
Whether on purpose (I searched all over to find this perfect thing I knew you would like) or accidental (I happened to see this and it reminded me of you) a gift can't replace thought; a gift is birthed from the thought of another. Because of the relationship.
The abusive giving is done in lieu of relationship. The successful father handing over the credit card but never his emotion. The boyfriend sending flowers only on the occasion of his mistake.
But gifts are good.
People respond, rather, feel attended to, by a variety of ways. Two people don't always line up perfectly; i.e. - person A has great connection to physical touch, person B is intimidated by it. How do these two meet then? Person A feels invalidated, unappreciated by what they have to offer and Person B may feel out of sorts and pressured to 'respond' to something that they don't see as a real means of connection.
Maybe they Compromise. Communicate. Appreciate. Celebrate. Grow. A few steps at a time. Selflessly. Enjoy the journey.
---
I miss you. By the way. Not in a sad, sappy sort of way. Just matter of factly.
---
In other news; I might be traveling for the next 40 days or so. It's complicated. Good things though. Some uncertainties. Gosh things just move and reveal so fast recently. I promise I'm more stable than this.
Short of it is that I'm potentially in between jobs with a huge financial blessing. It's not so much the money but the currency of time that works this out.
I tentatively planned a world tour; hitting some of the top things I haven't seen. Rome>Moscow>Agra, India>Beijing>Cairns, AU.
I'm big into major sights; Giza pyramids, Kenyan Safari, Sphinx, Victoria Falls, Machu Picchu, Grand Canyon, Denali, etc etc a few of the things I've been to.So maybe I can cross off Sistine Chapel, the Pantheon, Great Wall, Taj Mahal, the Kremlin, Red Square, Great Barrier Reef. All in one shot.
However I'm also thinking about just heading to Am Samoa and doing some Tsunami work. Then maybe heading down to Cairns. Hmm I'm leaning towards that actually. Either way I'd have fun.
FAQ:
Wouldn't that cost a butt ton of money? Not really. I've got the flight hookups. And being the not picky experienced traveler I'm good with cheap. I spent about $200 total for four days in Egypt in January.
When will you decide? In the next week or so but definitely for sure by Oct. 27.
Won't it be lonely traveling all alone? No more lonely than I am here.
It's merely one of the many ways to manifest thought, care, and interest.
Whether on purpose (I searched all over to find this perfect thing I knew you would like) or accidental (I happened to see this and it reminded me of you) a gift can't replace thought; a gift is birthed from the thought of another. Because of the relationship.
The abusive giving is done in lieu of relationship. The successful father handing over the credit card but never his emotion. The boyfriend sending flowers only on the occasion of his mistake.
But gifts are good.
People respond, rather, feel attended to, by a variety of ways. Two people don't always line up perfectly; i.e. - person A has great connection to physical touch, person B is intimidated by it. How do these two meet then? Person A feels invalidated, unappreciated by what they have to offer and Person B may feel out of sorts and pressured to 'respond' to something that they don't see as a real means of connection.
Maybe they Compromise. Communicate. Appreciate. Celebrate. Grow. A few steps at a time. Selflessly. Enjoy the journey.
---
I miss you. By the way. Not in a sad, sappy sort of way. Just matter of factly.
---
In other news; I might be traveling for the next 40 days or so. It's complicated. Good things though. Some uncertainties. Gosh things just move and reveal so fast recently. I promise I'm more stable than this.
Short of it is that I'm potentially in between jobs with a huge financial blessing. It's not so much the money but the currency of time that works this out.
I tentatively planned a world tour; hitting some of the top things I haven't seen. Rome>Moscow>Agra, India>Beijing>Cairns, AU.
I'm big into major sights; Giza pyramids, Kenyan Safari, Sphinx, Victoria Falls, Machu Picchu, Grand Canyon, Denali, etc etc a few of the things I've been to.So maybe I can cross off Sistine Chapel, the Pantheon, Great Wall, Taj Mahal, the Kremlin, Red Square, Great Barrier Reef. All in one shot.
However I'm also thinking about just heading to Am Samoa and doing some Tsunami work. Then maybe heading down to Cairns. Hmm I'm leaning towards that actually. Either way I'd have fun.
FAQ:
Wouldn't that cost a butt ton of money? Not really. I've got the flight hookups. And being the not picky experienced traveler I'm good with cheap. I spent about $200 total for four days in Egypt in January.
When will you decide? In the next week or so but definitely for sure by Oct. 27.
Won't it be lonely traveling all alone? No more lonely than I am here.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A Perfect Gentleman
I used to hear that phrase a lot in my growing-up-church years (by growing up in church I mean from about age 14 on) that God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit was a perfect gentleman. He only stands at the door knocking, never forcing himself in. That was to pertain to salvation and baptism in the spirit particularly. I find that very true. We easily accept the idea of free will when it comes to those things. However, I've been thinking, what about everything else? Does God magically make us happy, content, force a ring on our finger with the perfect spouse, wise beyond all compare?
In this perpetual hide and seek of discerning my plan from the Plan, I often have to say "Well, God is in control, what he Plans will come to pass." My job. My relationships. Where I live. Everything. And I believe that wholeheartedly.
However.
There is also a side wherein we are called to use our brains and our hearts, to test our spirits, and choose rightly. We have to weigh the pros and cons, lay aside our fears, take leaps of faith, seek Godly counsel.
And sometimes make mistakes.
Remember he does not force salvation upon us, though his prevenient grace works in us. Maybe he doesn't force us in our other decisions either. To marry the right person. To choose the right job. To live without fear. To be happy.
We choose to submit our petitions to him (Luke 11). Ask for wisdom (James 1). Seek Godly counsel (James 5). And ultimately choose, through service to him, to find that happiness (Joshua 24). A perfect gentleman we must invite him in to guide these decisions.
I say all this, again, as I wrestle with delineating between my own thoughts and desires versus those of the Lord. I can't simply say "God take care of it". I trust him. But he also wants me to choose.
This I know, er, am learning more:
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."
Fear of the past and how we made the wrong decision that still haunts us. Fear that history will repeat itself. Fear of ourselves, inadequacies. Fear of others, acceptance.
Please, come on in.
In this perpetual hide and seek of discerning my plan from the Plan, I often have to say "Well, God is in control, what he Plans will come to pass." My job. My relationships. Where I live. Everything. And I believe that wholeheartedly.
However.
There is also a side wherein we are called to use our brains and our hearts, to test our spirits, and choose rightly. We have to weigh the pros and cons, lay aside our fears, take leaps of faith, seek Godly counsel.
And sometimes make mistakes.
Remember he does not force salvation upon us, though his prevenient grace works in us. Maybe he doesn't force us in our other decisions either. To marry the right person. To choose the right job. To live without fear. To be happy.
We choose to submit our petitions to him (Luke 11). Ask for wisdom (James 1). Seek Godly counsel (James 5). And ultimately choose, through service to him, to find that happiness (Joshua 24). A perfect gentleman we must invite him in to guide these decisions.
I say all this, again, as I wrestle with delineating between my own thoughts and desires versus those of the Lord. I can't simply say "God take care of it". I trust him. But he also wants me to choose.
This I know, er, am learning more:
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."
Fear of the past and how we made the wrong decision that still haunts us. Fear that history will repeat itself. Fear of ourselves, inadequacies. Fear of others, acceptance.
Please, come on in.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Onomatopoeia
Today.
So yesterday I gorged on my personal opinion. Stop. Relax. See God.
So this fiasco with my car boot, having to go to CLT to get money because my debit card was gone, getting my checking account locked as I tried to get cash that way via Walmart...So in the end I wrote Pete a check for $100 and had him go get cash from his account for me. This stupid boot thing. $60 fine.
So of course because my car was booted for 14 hours -midnight Sat to 2pm Sun - I got an additional boot, so necessary, meaning $120. Thanks.
Guess what? Remember that $100 check I wrote to Pete to cover my expenses plus gas?
Pete put $200 in the envelope.
...
Yeah let that one sink in.
I also got a flat. In the rain. The stupid spare was rusted in the trunk to where I had to rip and the bolt out of there. I did impress myself a little, you know, ripping metal and all. Once out, the bolt was still fastened to the spare by the rusted, clamped nut on the end so I couldn't put use the spare. I put air in the flat and drove to a tire place to just get a new one. Cost: $80.36. Remember I have no access to money. Debit card still coming in the mail and oh by the way it's Columbus freaking day so the banks are closed so I still can't cash a check.
Reach my hand in my pocket to see how much cash I had left. Pull out four $20 bills. Dig for some change. Perfect.
Not to much. Not to little. Not early. Not late. Just exactly enough. He does have a sense of humor.
The money has nothing to do with it. The value of the money that is. Money really doesn't mean anything to me, it comes and it goes. It's just. I don't know what to say.
What I do see is that God really is here. Trials. Troubles. Come what may.
Someone recently told me that God might be trying to get their attention - and mine too. Thoughts:
-There is a stigma that man equals rough, stoic. If you aren't in control, if you show emotion, you are weak. I felt that growing up. Gosh, here is a scene:
Boy enters car after some debacle of not getting something in the gas station. Verge of tears for some reason. Older cousin says, "Luke are you crying?" to which Father says, "He ain't cryin', he's got too much 'May' blood in him to do that".
I forgot about that.
So anyway, in order for our crust to really be peeled away we often have to be really shaken up. I saw that a few years back. Those memories of being emotionally broken are so vivid. I reached out to connect with estranged family members. Expressed love to people I had negelected. All sorts of things.
My best attempt at onomatopoeia here, you know the "huhhummphhuuu" sucking of air, not quite a full on cry but the gasping that you know you are trying not to but you can't help it. Well, we have become quite the friends over the past 48 hours.
-Seeing that extra $100 in that envelope.
-Thinking about Ray's statement to me last week about my worth
-Pete telling me to 'hang in there'
-Realizing that even though my 'niceness' may have seemed unbelievable to a certain person that maybe, just maybe I really am a nice, great person and that it isn't a show
-Lots of moments in a really big important decision/conversation I had today(that I can't talk about just yet)
-Trying to type all these things right now
-Two complete strangers from www.nancyrayblog.com commenting on something I wrote:
"Mary Lindsey - Clay May... you are great! You have my vote! (Even though I am Nancy's sister, I have no pull in this contest if you win ;-D)" and "Rebecca - Wow, I was speechless as I read Clay May's entry. It was incredible!!"
Again, huhhummphhuuu.
(Just as I'm horrible with impersonating accents, I realize that's probably the worst spelling for that I-tearing-up-sucking-air sound)
So maybe that's where God is taking me. Reminding me. It's ok to be soft. Gentle. Vulnerable. All under the heading of his perfectly timed provision. Because that is not in my natural DNA. But to connect with people, to be a husband, a father, I have to be.
We matter. No. No projecting. I matter. There, I said it.
So yesterday I gorged on my personal opinion. Stop. Relax. See God.
So this fiasco with my car boot, having to go to CLT to get money because my debit card was gone, getting my checking account locked as I tried to get cash that way via Walmart...So in the end I wrote Pete a check for $100 and had him go get cash from his account for me. This stupid boot thing. $60 fine.
So of course because my car was booted for 14 hours -midnight Sat to 2pm Sun - I got an additional boot, so necessary, meaning $120. Thanks.
Guess what? Remember that $100 check I wrote to Pete to cover my expenses plus gas?
Pete put $200 in the envelope.
...
Yeah let that one sink in.
I also got a flat. In the rain. The stupid spare was rusted in the trunk to where I had to rip and the bolt out of there. I did impress myself a little, you know, ripping metal and all. Once out, the bolt was still fastened to the spare by the rusted, clamped nut on the end so I couldn't put use the spare. I put air in the flat and drove to a tire place to just get a new one. Cost: $80.36. Remember I have no access to money. Debit card still coming in the mail and oh by the way it's Columbus freaking day so the banks are closed so I still can't cash a check.
Reach my hand in my pocket to see how much cash I had left. Pull out four $20 bills. Dig for some change. Perfect.
Not to much. Not to little. Not early. Not late. Just exactly enough. He does have a sense of humor.
The money has nothing to do with it. The value of the money that is. Money really doesn't mean anything to me, it comes and it goes. It's just. I don't know what to say.
What I do see is that God really is here. Trials. Troubles. Come what may.
Someone recently told me that God might be trying to get their attention - and mine too. Thoughts:
-There is a stigma that man equals rough, stoic. If you aren't in control, if you show emotion, you are weak. I felt that growing up. Gosh, here is a scene:
Boy enters car after some debacle of not getting something in the gas station. Verge of tears for some reason. Older cousin says, "Luke are you crying?" to which Father says, "He ain't cryin', he's got too much 'May' blood in him to do that".
I forgot about that.
So anyway, in order for our crust to really be peeled away we often have to be really shaken up. I saw that a few years back. Those memories of being emotionally broken are so vivid. I reached out to connect with estranged family members. Expressed love to people I had negelected. All sorts of things.
My best attempt at onomatopoeia here, you know the "huhhummphhuuu" sucking of air, not quite a full on cry but the gasping that you know you are trying not to but you can't help it. Well, we have become quite the friends over the past 48 hours.
-Seeing that extra $100 in that envelope.
-Thinking about Ray's statement to me last week about my worth
-Pete telling me to 'hang in there'
-Realizing that even though my 'niceness' may have seemed unbelievable to a certain person that maybe, just maybe I really am a nice, great person and that it isn't a show
-Lots of moments in a really big important decision/conversation I had today(that I can't talk about just yet)
-Trying to type all these things right now
-Two complete strangers from www.nancyrayblog.com commenting on something I wrote:
"Mary Lindsey - Clay May... you are great! You have my vote! (Even though I am Nancy's sister, I have no pull in this contest if you win ;-D)" and "Rebecca - Wow, I was speechless as I read Clay May's entry. It was incredible!!"
Again, huhhummphhuuu.
(Just as I'm horrible with impersonating accents, I realize that's probably the worst spelling for that I-tearing-up-sucking-air sound)
So maybe that's where God is taking me. Reminding me. It's ok to be soft. Gentle. Vulnerable. All under the heading of his perfectly timed provision. Because that is not in my natural DNA. But to connect with people, to be a husband, a father, I have to be.
We matter. No. No projecting. I matter. There, I said it.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
(Untitled)
{I wish I could say this is deeply spiritual, with strong nods to God and his Plan, instead it's just me somewhat unchecked, rightly or wrongly. I do know God has a perspective that I am waiting to more fully discover that won't hopefully be convoluted with my own. But this is me.}
I'm not entirely sure what to say. Hopefully I will have a better post later but I would be amiss if i didn't try right now I supppose.
The text I sent to a few close friends - of whom I had been gushing too a few hours earlier - read something like:
"She doesn't want to talk to me anymore. There are 3 billion women on this earth why do I fall for the ones that don't like me?"
Their reactions were a lot like mine. Whaaat? Why?
I couldn't really answer.
Sure I heard the words that said I'm just not wanting a relationship right now. But of course what I heard was I don't want a relationship with you right now. I heard that my efforts were accepted but there was fear they weren't real - that no one can really be that nice. I was just doing what every other boy did. Ouch.
I was confused by the words that said I should allow myself mistakes with this; not be perfect, but saw her shut down when I, under stress, spoke with a passive aggressive edge the night before. I heard her tell me that I should be vunerable to other people but that she had to deal with things on her own.
I was confused by the fact that she wanted to see my faults but was certain I wouldn't accept her for hers.
I wish that my mouth could translate from my heart better. When I feel deep regret, care or sadness it often comes out sounding scripted and trite. That hurts so badly like not being able to breathe.
A painful side to this is that I wasn't a part of a dialogue. There was a decision made and by the time I was brought on board it was too late. My feelings, my opinions didn't really matter.
I think I've definitely rambled on the side of "my" views here. The other side being God and the spirit. But maybe even when we're trusting God to be in control it's ok to still have real, human emotions about things. I do for sure. Spiritually, I know God is in control but my person can't help but feel the sting of confusion and loss. Again. Again. Again.
There were no perfect words in those moments sitting there in the parking lot. My hands were tied. A million things come to mind to have said or did. If only's. The biggest one for me maybe being the regret that she didn't hear me weeks ago when I said I'm slow to get to know. Sure I can be open with a lot of my thoughts and emotions early on but the nitty gritty only comes when its very safe. The Real Clay that is so brash and often selfish among a gambit of other detriments. Until then you have to patiently teach and put up with Perfect Clay who has seen so much turmoil he wants to control situations to avoid conflict at all costs. I promise you it's worth it - even though and especially since it's messy. But it is still honest and it is wholehearted and passionate. It's determined and loyal. It's even still thoughtful and nice. But you can't get there in a month and a half.
Hearing her mention her fears about the issues of money, disorders, depression, suicide in her family was weird for two reasons. One because of how rampant those things are in my family. Rampant. Oh the things I've seen. I remember not being able to go back to my mothers after a weekend away because she had been taken to the hospital after eating a bottle of pills. My father constantly in the hospital for alcohol abuse. I can't even begin to list them all. Then there are the things of that nature that I have stood and prayed against in my own life but yet still seen rear their ugly heads. Feeling like you want to end it all out of loneliness or pain but then the scary peace when you realize at a separate time that you honestly could go through with it because you simply do not care anymore. In my counseling wishing there was some sort of medication that I never got to help. I would have given or done anything to rid myself of that pain.
Secondly, the shocker here was that this was coming from her about her. Usually I'm the one hiding these things and fears. Afraid to be found out. Surely if they know they won't accept me. They'll think I won't be a good father or I'm destined to be unstable. It made me realize a little bit how helpless my friends must have felt over the years when I shut them out for fear they wouldn't accept me.
All I could think was, I understand. I really, really do. I am so sorry that you have to run away. That I made you shut down. How much I saw we should learn from one another.
The girl that would smile so very uncontrollably when I she would catch me looking at her. A gentle kiss. A lifted hug. A soft hand. Nervous like middle schoolers. It was beautiful and I loved it. She seemed so happy. Where in one moment she was curled up on my chest and the next she was walled off. Which was real?
I'm not making it out to be more than it was. I know. It was only a short time. But often we judge on potential. What we dream up that could happen later. What our intentions are. How the story should end.
Not sure which side is speaking - God or me -(and admittedly huge lesson I'm learning is that it's ok for me to be wrong) but in my world the Story is too important, to beautifully broken and redeeming to be over.
I'm not entirely sure what to say. Hopefully I will have a better post later but I would be amiss if i didn't try right now I supppose.
The text I sent to a few close friends - of whom I had been gushing too a few hours earlier - read something like:
"She doesn't want to talk to me anymore. There are 3 billion women on this earth why do I fall for the ones that don't like me?"
Their reactions were a lot like mine. Whaaat? Why?
I couldn't really answer.
Sure I heard the words that said I'm just not wanting a relationship right now. But of course what I heard was I don't want a relationship with you right now. I heard that my efforts were accepted but there was fear they weren't real - that no one can really be that nice. I was just doing what every other boy did. Ouch.
I was confused by the words that said I should allow myself mistakes with this; not be perfect, but saw her shut down when I, under stress, spoke with a passive aggressive edge the night before. I heard her tell me that I should be vunerable to other people but that she had to deal with things on her own.
I was confused by the fact that she wanted to see my faults but was certain I wouldn't accept her for hers.
I wish that my mouth could translate from my heart better. When I feel deep regret, care or sadness it often comes out sounding scripted and trite. That hurts so badly like not being able to breathe.
A painful side to this is that I wasn't a part of a dialogue. There was a decision made and by the time I was brought on board it was too late. My feelings, my opinions didn't really matter.
I think I've definitely rambled on the side of "my" views here. The other side being God and the spirit. But maybe even when we're trusting God to be in control it's ok to still have real, human emotions about things. I do for sure. Spiritually, I know God is in control but my person can't help but feel the sting of confusion and loss. Again. Again. Again.
There were no perfect words in those moments sitting there in the parking lot. My hands were tied. A million things come to mind to have said or did. If only's. The biggest one for me maybe being the regret that she didn't hear me weeks ago when I said I'm slow to get to know. Sure I can be open with a lot of my thoughts and emotions early on but the nitty gritty only comes when its very safe. The Real Clay that is so brash and often selfish among a gambit of other detriments. Until then you have to patiently teach and put up with Perfect Clay who has seen so much turmoil he wants to control situations to avoid conflict at all costs. I promise you it's worth it - even though and especially since it's messy. But it is still honest and it is wholehearted and passionate. It's determined and loyal. It's even still thoughtful and nice. But you can't get there in a month and a half.
Hearing her mention her fears about the issues of money, disorders, depression, suicide in her family was weird for two reasons. One because of how rampant those things are in my family. Rampant. Oh the things I've seen. I remember not being able to go back to my mothers after a weekend away because she had been taken to the hospital after eating a bottle of pills. My father constantly in the hospital for alcohol abuse. I can't even begin to list them all. Then there are the things of that nature that I have stood and prayed against in my own life but yet still seen rear their ugly heads. Feeling like you want to end it all out of loneliness or pain but then the scary peace when you realize at a separate time that you honestly could go through with it because you simply do not care anymore. In my counseling wishing there was some sort of medication that I never got to help. I would have given or done anything to rid myself of that pain.
Secondly, the shocker here was that this was coming from her about her. Usually I'm the one hiding these things and fears. Afraid to be found out. Surely if they know they won't accept me. They'll think I won't be a good father or I'm destined to be unstable. It made me realize a little bit how helpless my friends must have felt over the years when I shut them out for fear they wouldn't accept me.
All I could think was, I understand. I really, really do. I am so sorry that you have to run away. That I made you shut down. How much I saw we should learn from one another.
The girl that would smile so very uncontrollably when I she would catch me looking at her. A gentle kiss. A lifted hug. A soft hand. Nervous like middle schoolers. It was beautiful and I loved it. She seemed so happy. Where in one moment she was curled up on my chest and the next she was walled off. Which was real?
I'm not making it out to be more than it was. I know. It was only a short time. But often we judge on potential. What we dream up that could happen later. What our intentions are. How the story should end.
Not sure which side is speaking - God or me -(and admittedly huge lesson I'm learning is that it's ok for me to be wrong) but in my world the Story is too important, to beautifully broken and redeeming to be over.
"Hang in there man"
That's what Pete said when after handing him a check it finally broke through and I couldn't hold back the tears. It sucks crying in front of someone else. Being a grown man.
The details are intricate; maybe I'll go through them at some point so the emotions and tension seems somewhat justified. [Short of it being the realization that I had canceled my debit card waiting on a new one; needed cash on a wkd; tried to cash a check at walmart - you can do "$20" over what you buy - so i'm having to sit and buy pack and packs of gum at 7am till after about three checks the system locks out my account and I can't do that anymore; thus having to write Pete a check and ask him to grab me cash in between services, so ridiculous it's almost comical]
And it all began out of something very exciting and sweet.
But here I am now; about to go lead worship in 1 hour; while literally I laid awake most of the night with my gut feeling like it was being ripped out piece by piece. That's one of the hardest parts of ministry. Trying to be the wounded healer. Forcing yourself to praise God for others when you are utterly broken. Confused. Searching anywhere for solace.
I'm still not even clear what happened. There is someone I care about deeply. And seemingly out of the blue; in the midst of wonderful dates, holding hands, sincere letters, a text missing me, the butterflies of simply being around her - things got complicated.
It was a shockwave like pulling back a scab on a long healed wound I know that.
I DO know God is in control and faithful. I DO. I DO.
I can't help but almost scream at him though. Not so much in anger but rather sorrow - what did I do God years ago, or yesterday, that befits this pain? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
My heart can't handle it. At least it lets me know that I still have one I suppose. But I always thought it was for more than this pulsating anguish that I physically feel right now.
This is a tumultuous time for me and for her; life-wise. The perpetual optimist I know had things been 'stable' I'd be in even more of a position to try and appear like I have everything together, so maybe it's good. Instead, here I am forced to brazenly expose my fears, insecurities and shortcomings to a girl I just met. Doesn't God know how uncomfortable this makes me?
She pleasantly came into my life as a surprise; unexpected. Her faith and conviction a rarity among beautiful women. Girl meets boy and they agree on passions and people. And again the butterflies. Doesn't she know how rare this is? That it's not common place. That's it's hard to find. That it's worth fighting for.
We are players but it's got to be in His hands. It's the only peace. It's the only security we can know in our frailty.
We're all broken people. I know that. There is incredible disbelief that despite that fact, God loves us. But maybe even more so, that we can still love one another. We are so scared. That we cannot love. That we cannot be loved. Her instincts tell her this is true.
I'm praying. Trusting.
I don't want to leave my office. I hear the worship team starting to arrive. Please don't cry. Dork.
I'm being changed from glory to glory. His mercies are new each day. His steadfast love endures forever. Create in me a clean heart. Cast your cares upon him. Pray without ceasing. Set your mind on things above. His eye is on the sparrow. Where your treasure is there your heart will be also. Let the peace of God rule in your heart that exceeds all human understanding.
I don't know.
The details are intricate; maybe I'll go through them at some point so the emotions and tension seems somewhat justified. [Short of it being the realization that I had canceled my debit card waiting on a new one; needed cash on a wkd; tried to cash a check at walmart - you can do "$20" over what you buy - so i'm having to sit and buy pack and packs of gum at 7am till after about three checks the system locks out my account and I can't do that anymore; thus having to write Pete a check and ask him to grab me cash in between services, so ridiculous it's almost comical]
And it all began out of something very exciting and sweet.
But here I am now; about to go lead worship in 1 hour; while literally I laid awake most of the night with my gut feeling like it was being ripped out piece by piece. That's one of the hardest parts of ministry. Trying to be the wounded healer. Forcing yourself to praise God for others when you are utterly broken. Confused. Searching anywhere for solace.
I'm still not even clear what happened. There is someone I care about deeply. And seemingly out of the blue; in the midst of wonderful dates, holding hands, sincere letters, a text missing me, the butterflies of simply being around her - things got complicated.
It was a shockwave like pulling back a scab on a long healed wound I know that.
I DO know God is in control and faithful. I DO. I DO.
I can't help but almost scream at him though. Not so much in anger but rather sorrow - what did I do God years ago, or yesterday, that befits this pain? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
My heart can't handle it. At least it lets me know that I still have one I suppose. But I always thought it was for more than this pulsating anguish that I physically feel right now.
This is a tumultuous time for me and for her; life-wise. The perpetual optimist I know had things been 'stable' I'd be in even more of a position to try and appear like I have everything together, so maybe it's good. Instead, here I am forced to brazenly expose my fears, insecurities and shortcomings to a girl I just met. Doesn't God know how uncomfortable this makes me?
She pleasantly came into my life as a surprise; unexpected. Her faith and conviction a rarity among beautiful women. Girl meets boy and they agree on passions and people. And again the butterflies. Doesn't she know how rare this is? That it's not common place. That's it's hard to find. That it's worth fighting for.
We are players but it's got to be in His hands. It's the only peace. It's the only security we can know in our frailty.
We're all broken people. I know that. There is incredible disbelief that despite that fact, God loves us. But maybe even more so, that we can still love one another. We are so scared. That we cannot love. That we cannot be loved. Her instincts tell her this is true.
I'm praying. Trusting.
I don't want to leave my office. I hear the worship team starting to arrive. Please don't cry. Dork.
I'm being changed from glory to glory. His mercies are new each day. His steadfast love endures forever. Create in me a clean heart. Cast your cares upon him. Pray without ceasing. Set your mind on things above. His eye is on the sparrow. Where your treasure is there your heart will be also. Let the peace of God rule in your heart that exceeds all human understanding.
I don't know.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Not there but on the way
Here's where I cling;
Forgiveness instead of bitterness
Peace instead of turmoil
Love instead of fear
Sacrifice instead of selfishness
Openness instead of shutting down
Satisfied instead of anxious
The Plan instead of my plan
Ok so i wish I could say I truly cling to those things, mmmm whats the word, maybe that I strive for those things; I pray for and claim. Yeah that's more like it. That sounds familiar too...
"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Oh, right.
I remember how important scriptures were growing up. All the memorization and application to every life circumstance. Too bad they don't teach that in seminaries. Sad actually.
Writing that list of swirls in my head I felt a common theme of being assured in the Plan of the Lord. I'm thankful that my spirit is drawing upon the Word for answers. Where is the Plan?
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Oh, there is it. Right where it belongs.
And through grace I'll be where I belong too.
Forgiveness instead of bitterness
Peace instead of turmoil
Love instead of fear
Sacrifice instead of selfishness
Openness instead of shutting down
Satisfied instead of anxious
The Plan instead of my plan
Ok so i wish I could say I truly cling to those things, mmmm whats the word, maybe that I strive for those things; I pray for and claim. Yeah that's more like it. That sounds familiar too...
"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Oh, right.
I remember how important scriptures were growing up. All the memorization and application to every life circumstance. Too bad they don't teach that in seminaries. Sad actually.
Writing that list of swirls in my head I felt a common theme of being assured in the Plan of the Lord. I'm thankful that my spirit is drawing upon the Word for answers. Where is the Plan?
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Oh, there is it. Right where it belongs.
And through grace I'll be where I belong too.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Held Together
"For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment."
Col. 1:16.17
I'm tempted to try and write something eloquent about this. No. It speaks for itself.
Col. 1:16.17
I'm tempted to try and write something eloquent about this. No. It speaks for itself.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Crash
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I think this is almost cliche we've often heard it so much. When something doesn't go our way we resolve to point to God having a different plan. What about when you feel so good about the original plan actually being God's plan? Have you missed God? Did he leave? Is he mad at me?
What also when the "original" plan is all you have? The results of it not working out can frankly be devastating; a sense of hopelessness awash.
It all happened to me. Sitting in the car after the news I didn't know whether to cry, shout or drive off a cliff. I mean the plan made sooo much sense, I mean, "Godly" sense too. Overcome with the guilt that this was somehow my fault; the result of my disobedience through the years; phases of rebellion; hurting people; pride; selfishness; you name it I've probably done it; the only thing that made sense to do was to feel like I was standing in God's face sorrowfully declaring "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry".
Moments later I was on the phone being not only reminded of my worth and calling but being presented with new options I would have never ever considered. There is a lot here-themes of forgiveness, the value of community, hope. So as Isaiah 55 comes to mind it's not just v8 that his ways are different it's v9 that they are higher. In other words they aren't just grandly removed from the smallness of our minds.
They are grandly better. Praise.
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I think this is almost cliche we've often heard it so much. When something doesn't go our way we resolve to point to God having a different plan. What about when you feel so good about the original plan actually being God's plan? Have you missed God? Did he leave? Is he mad at me?
What also when the "original" plan is all you have? The results of it not working out can frankly be devastating; a sense of hopelessness awash.
It all happened to me. Sitting in the car after the news I didn't know whether to cry, shout or drive off a cliff. I mean the plan made sooo much sense, I mean, "Godly" sense too. Overcome with the guilt that this was somehow my fault; the result of my disobedience through the years; phases of rebellion; hurting people; pride; selfishness; you name it I've probably done it; the only thing that made sense to do was to feel like I was standing in God's face sorrowfully declaring "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry".
Moments later I was on the phone being not only reminded of my worth and calling but being presented with new options I would have never ever considered. There is a lot here-themes of forgiveness, the value of community, hope. So as Isaiah 55 comes to mind it's not just v8 that his ways are different it's v9 that they are higher. In other words they aren't just grandly removed from the smallness of our minds.
They are grandly better. Praise.
We don't plan to fail we just fail to plan
Goals for this week:
-Finish everything I start. Strongly. With Passion.
-Hopefully make a decision about my house when I get more information.
-Be content and secure.
-Go to Habitat on Friday.
-Bed time = Word time.
-Be Upwardly mindful and praiseful(um, made up word) not just when I'm in need but when things are great too.
-Call Grandpa.
-Allow myself to be chased.
-And just for the heck of it, shrug reps of 300lbs
-Finish everything I start. Strongly. With Passion.
-Hopefully make a decision about my house when I get more information.
-Be content and secure.
-Go to Habitat on Friday.
-Bed time = Word time.
-Be Upwardly mindful and praiseful(um, made up word) not just when I'm in need but when things are great too.
-Call Grandpa.
-Allow myself to be chased.
-And just for the heck of it, shrug reps of 300lbs
Monday, October 5, 2009
Totally a win win
"Honor the Lord in everything you do and don't follow your own desires or talk idly. If you do this, the Lord will be your delight. I will give you great honor and give you your full share of the inheritance I promised to Jacob. I the Lord have spoken!"
Now, I am by no means a prosperity for the righteous prayer of jabez type (that theology, one might say, is not only not right but might even be in exact opposition to the life we are called to lead) however I can't help but feel a little like the fathers favorite when I read this type of passage in Isaiah. It's nothing more than a simple promise.
This isn't making the faith out to be witchcraft ( if I say the right incantation God is "forced" to act) nor is it making God into what I like to call a "Coke" machine (if I put in my money and press the button I get what I want) Rather it is God, in light of the knowledge that we fall so horribly short of honoring the Lord in everything we do, calling us to do exactly that. And because of that shortcoming we are truly forced to rely on him not only for the blessing but the very strength to ATTAIN said blessing.
It's really a win win if you think about it.
Now, I am by no means a prosperity for the righteous prayer of jabez type (that theology, one might say, is not only not right but might even be in exact opposition to the life we are called to lead) however I can't help but feel a little like the fathers favorite when I read this type of passage in Isaiah. It's nothing more than a simple promise.
This isn't making the faith out to be witchcraft ( if I say the right incantation God is "forced" to act) nor is it making God into what I like to call a "Coke" machine (if I put in my money and press the button I get what I want) Rather it is God, in light of the knowledge that we fall so horribly short of honoring the Lord in everything we do, calling us to do exactly that. And because of that shortcoming we are truly forced to rely on him not only for the blessing but the very strength to ATTAIN said blessing.
It's really a win win if you think about it.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I love job interviews
I was in the mall the other day for an unspecified reason. I like public places; airports, malls, city streets, state fairs. I like to think that I can be inconspicuously observant like noticing the placement of pictures on a wall when first walk in a room or what type of door knob you have. What pattern is it worn? Construction grade brass, polished. Naturally, if I get such a Rain Man/Jason Bourne-esque kick out of inanimate object cataloging, public places with their throngs of spectrum people can spiral me into overload.
Briskly walking to my destination store I notice a table with two, mall-hipster 20-30-somethings with that mall employee look. I recognize them by their facade of power and glamour, you know, how they make you feel poor for simply looking at the goods they are peddling. As if to say "If you were cool like me you would already have these jeans." Parading in their latest fashion and fragrance; scoffing at us mortals doomed to live off of, gasp, the line from last season. Then you have to stop and remember this is their sad retail-minimum-wage job and you can hang your head a little higher. But you still feel slightly un-cool. Dang.
So as I fly by at 130 steps per minute with shifty eyes and ears I realize, however, that one is in fact a poser; a not-yet-mall-employee.
I've stumbled upon an interview. A real live interview, right here for all to spectacle.
I tried to imagine what type of questions they might ask. "Are you up to date in the latest techniques of folding?" "How are your mannequin positioning skills?" "List your three greatest strengths." I have no idea. The closest that I have come to such temporary-I-say-I-need-a-job-but really-just-a-paycheck type employment was a brief out of my mind idea to be a night stocker at Target; while in graduate school and with a full-time day job. I still cant justify that masochistic insanity.
However, in the realm of ministry type interviews I am, I'd say, dang good. Maybe some of it is because it is really my passion therefore people are drawn in to that timbre in my voice and I swagger just enough brashness to come across as confident. Sitting in a room in front of a committee where one normally grovels for a job I'm the one pushing back saying "Can you handle me?" Either way, I actually love interviews. Because if I'm good enough I just might get approval.
We have been conditioned to want, no, need things we either have no use for or, worse, already have. The one I have isn't good enough so I need to trade in for a better model when the one in my possession is really all I need (READ: iPhone you played to my emotions).
The reason I'm good at interviews is that I need approval. The reason I can overwork myself is that I need approval. The reason I can spend hours in the gym is that I need approval. The dream for someone to fall for me is that I need approval.
But truth be told, I already have it.
It's the knowing of every hair on my head, every step I would take before I was born, and while I was yet a sinner. Approval that has no need to be traded in for a newer, more complete model.
I'm thankful to be able to see and interpret the nuances of a life I enjoy. Driving on a four lane highway at 3am in Texas recently I almost ran into a donkey. That's right, a real live donkey was just standing in the highway. As I recollected the tale, someone who has heard many of these type of stories from me recanted "I love your life".
I've heard people describe me in many ways over the years; intense, funny, daring. Recently though I've begun to hear through the voice of a close female, um, friend one I hadn't embraced before.
Man.
"Remember you're dealing with a man, not a boy", she was told and it has directly and indirectly reappeared in a number of our conversations. Implications of both approval and fear from my perspective. Can I still have the heart of a child; unfettered and adventurous? Am I assumed to be calloused and weathered? Shouldn't I have more of life figured out by now?
Recalling that I am already approved, I need not clamor to appear anything other than myself. Rather, I can enjoy discovering what this word man means.
Courageous. Sensitive. Provider. Leader. Wise. Champion. Hero. Fearless. Daring. Responsible. Mature. Caring. Protector. Forgiving. Christ-like.
So with that same board room brashness I can say "I'm still learning, but I was made for this stuff". Of course I was. I've already got the approval where it counts that says so. I don't have to claw my way to the top of the man-ladder, trading one image in for another gained through outward acts.
Though I do wonder if that hipster got the job.
Briskly walking to my destination store I notice a table with two, mall-hipster 20-30-somethings with that mall employee look. I recognize them by their facade of power and glamour, you know, how they make you feel poor for simply looking at the goods they are peddling. As if to say "If you were cool like me you would already have these jeans." Parading in their latest fashion and fragrance; scoffing at us mortals doomed to live off of, gasp, the line from last season. Then you have to stop and remember this is their sad retail-minimum-wage job and you can hang your head a little higher. But you still feel slightly un-cool. Dang.
So as I fly by at 130 steps per minute with shifty eyes and ears I realize, however, that one is in fact a poser; a not-yet-mall-employee.
I've stumbled upon an interview. A real live interview, right here for all to spectacle.
I tried to imagine what type of questions they might ask. "Are you up to date in the latest techniques of folding?" "How are your mannequin positioning skills?" "List your three greatest strengths." I have no idea. The closest that I have come to such temporary-I-say-I-need-a-job-but really-just-a-paycheck type employment was a brief out of my mind idea to be a night stocker at Target; while in graduate school and with a full-time day job. I still cant justify that masochistic insanity.
However, in the realm of ministry type interviews I am, I'd say, dang good. Maybe some of it is because it is really my passion therefore people are drawn in to that timbre in my voice and I swagger just enough brashness to come across as confident. Sitting in a room in front of a committee where one normally grovels for a job I'm the one pushing back saying "Can you handle me?" Either way, I actually love interviews. Because if I'm good enough I just might get approval.
We have been conditioned to want, no, need things we either have no use for or, worse, already have. The one I have isn't good enough so I need to trade in for a better model when the one in my possession is really all I need (READ: iPhone you played to my emotions).
The reason I'm good at interviews is that I need approval. The reason I can overwork myself is that I need approval. The reason I can spend hours in the gym is that I need approval. The dream for someone to fall for me is that I need approval.
But truth be told, I already have it.
It's the knowing of every hair on my head, every step I would take before I was born, and while I was yet a sinner. Approval that has no need to be traded in for a newer, more complete model.
I'm thankful to be able to see and interpret the nuances of a life I enjoy. Driving on a four lane highway at 3am in Texas recently I almost ran into a donkey. That's right, a real live donkey was just standing in the highway. As I recollected the tale, someone who has heard many of these type of stories from me recanted "I love your life".
I've heard people describe me in many ways over the years; intense, funny, daring. Recently though I've begun to hear through the voice of a close female, um, friend one I hadn't embraced before.
Man.
"Remember you're dealing with a man, not a boy", she was told and it has directly and indirectly reappeared in a number of our conversations. Implications of both approval and fear from my perspective. Can I still have the heart of a child; unfettered and adventurous? Am I assumed to be calloused and weathered? Shouldn't I have more of life figured out by now?
Recalling that I am already approved, I need not clamor to appear anything other than myself. Rather, I can enjoy discovering what this word man means.
Courageous. Sensitive. Provider. Leader. Wise. Champion. Hero. Fearless. Daring. Responsible. Mature. Caring. Protector. Forgiving. Christ-like.
So with that same board room brashness I can say "I'm still learning, but I was made for this stuff". Of course I was. I've already got the approval where it counts that says so. I don't have to claw my way to the top of the man-ladder, trading one image in for another gained through outward acts.
Though I do wonder if that hipster got the job.
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